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From tumblr:
tumblr
hi
hi tumblr
how are you.
I’ve been away for a month-and-almost-a-half now.
I was in a play. It was really good and I liked it and I was a lead and apparently it was actually really good. c:
I was busy doing research and figuring and rehearsals and things, but. That’s over now. We finished up today. And I couldn’t even get closure with the final strike because we got kicked out so they could have auditions.
But it was an experience that has really moved me. And a play that pushed my buttons so hard. And castmates that affected me personally. And a totally fucking sweet director. And the staging was guh.
All of my feels.
So I’m sad and depressed as fuck right now because I fell in love with this play like uuuggggggghhhhh and burning and I’m back on tumblr to try and fill the void with distraction.
hi.
From facebook to myself:
Note: I *DO NOT CARE* what ya'll say, I felt a genuine connection to this play and the experience of being able to work as a part of it. And I don't personally think it's stupid that I keep crying, because the show and character were really meaningful to me. The excitement I had when I first heard about the show, got to audition, was cast, and started work has not died at all, and I am honestly grieving now that it's done. This play pushed all of my buttons and I'm sorry it's over. I don't care if you- yes, you, pms or no- have ever had an experience like this, but you know what? Despite my pretentions, I'm grateful and dedicated and emotionally touched by my experience. And I'd rather have that than trying too hard any day.
From facebook to others:
Pretty damn good Winter Shorts Festival. The excitement I had when I first heard about the Commedia, got to audition, was cast, and started work stayed to the very end. This play pushed all of my buttons and I am truly sorry that it's over. It's been a pleasure, and I really don't care that this totally sounds like a eulogy.
Assorted tweets:
I am so fucking depressed right now.
I want cuddles. ;n; And I really REALLY don't ever decide that.
This show has been fucking bad for my intimacy issues, because I've been thrown out of my comfort zone and now I don't know where it is.
I want to say goodbye, dammit. I want closure. I have been just living and breathing this whole mythos for a month.
What do I do with myself now?
And the worst part is that I'm still probably going to keep having awkward and uncomfortable dreams even though it's all done. Guh,
I'm never going to get the chance to really explore what about this made me tick, either. Nobody wants to stay with me for hours and talk.
And there's just so *much* to say. I can't possibly express all of my feels.
I. Have to go to school tomorrow.
(This is discounting all of my passive-aggressive tsundere tweets from two weeks ago, which just make me sad to reread. ;^;)
Other thoughts:
I know how at the end of the other Commedia I had a whole thing about Never again. Never again to hear the snap crackle pop of our collective rice krispies was the final line of that spiel.
And, I can't do that again. I can't do something like that. Because every time I want to start, I get overwhelmed instantly. And I don't have people willing or capable enough to help me work through my shit in an organized manner. And that's a bad thing.
I feel really really deadinside angsty sad. I think I need sleep, but I would just sit up thinking and crying and thinking if I tried to go to bed.
I really REALLY want to go do some research to stave off the feels, but I dunno where to start. Cry.
It hurts. I was really attached to this play. I remember first reading parts of it and hearing about it a year ago and being really fucking excited. I remember hearing about the festival lineup and thinking it would be the sole redeeming play. I remember how fucking excited I was for auditions, and how impossibly freaking-out glad I was when I was told I was cast.
I've spent the past month worrying, dreaming, and doing copious amounts of starry-eyed research.
It hurts to let go of it. It pushed all of my buttons and I don't WANT to let go.
Also there's no closure and I didn't say goodbye to anyone. And some things are irreversible- like one of the studio minicelebs and I are no longer friends, I believe.
Because he's a touchy hypocrite who was on his manperiod and delt with his stress by singling me out to bitch out. I'd been forwarned that he's a raging drama queen when he's tense, but the sheer levels of 'oh it's like THAT is it' just. All over. I don't even. It's not my problem, I'm not dealing with it.
I did. I don't even know HOW, I feel as if I did very little, but I was pulled aside by friends and strangers and idols after every show and told how amazing I was.
It was an amazing play, I'm deeply in love with it and the experience and privilage of working on it for a REASON.
Crazy shit. All over. Ugh.
I want to stuff my binder under my pillow and sleep with it,
even though I know I promised myself I'd use it for class when the show let out. I don't think I could, now- it would feel disrespectful, and it would just keep bringing the feels back, and I don't have anywhere else to keep 85 looseleaf pages besides!
All the songs are going through my head. Hell, LINES are going through my head, *naturally* only because I can no longer make use of that!
I want to reread the tv tropes commedia page. Hell, I want to reread the dissertation! ;A; That hellish, hellish, awesome, crazy paper. I want to reread everything. I want to reread all of the wikipedia pages. I want to read all of the things. I feel all of the hurt.
Holy shit.
I can't look at gay subtext without this play coming up in my thoughts. FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE I AM SO FUCKING SCREWED.
If I can't look at gay subtext, my life means nothing. ;A;
I think that Sara was wrong when she said that I'm over-obsessing again. I mean, I'm pretty familiar with that feeling, and it's not like that. It's not like I do this every time a play I'm in finishes. :\
I just REALLY wanted to be in this one!... and then I was. And I'm not anymore and it's over and I am no longer in it because it finished. DUN WANNA BREAK TIES ;A;
tumblr
hi
hi tumblr
how are you.
I’ve been away for a month-and-almost-a-half now.
I was in a play. It was really good and I liked it and I was a lead and apparently it was actually really good. c:
I was busy doing research and figuring and rehearsals and things, but. That’s over now. We finished up today. And I couldn’t even get closure with the final strike because we got kicked out so they could have auditions.
But it was an experience that has really moved me. And a play that pushed my buttons so hard. And castmates that affected me personally. And a totally fucking sweet director. And the staging was guh.
All of my feels.
So I’m sad and depressed as fuck right now because I fell in love with this play like uuuggggggghhhhh and burning and I’m back on tumblr to try and fill the void with distraction.
hi.
From facebook to myself:
Note: I *DO NOT CARE* what ya'll say, I felt a genuine connection to this play and the experience of being able to work as a part of it. And I don't personally think it's stupid that I keep crying, because the show and character were really meaningful to me. The excitement I had when I first heard about the show, got to audition, was cast, and started work has not died at all, and I am honestly grieving now that it's done. This play pushed all of my buttons and I'm sorry it's over. I don't care if you- yes, you, pms or no- have ever had an experience like this, but you know what? Despite my pretentions, I'm grateful and dedicated and emotionally touched by my experience. And I'd rather have that than trying too hard any day.
From facebook to others:
Pretty damn good Winter Shorts Festival. The excitement I had when I first heard about the Commedia, got to audition, was cast, and started work stayed to the very end. This play pushed all of my buttons and I am truly sorry that it's over. It's been a pleasure, and I really don't care that this totally sounds like a eulogy.
Assorted tweets:
I am so fucking depressed right now.
I want cuddles. ;n; And I really REALLY don't ever decide that.
This show has been fucking bad for my intimacy issues, because I've been thrown out of my comfort zone and now I don't know where it is.
I want to say goodbye, dammit. I want closure. I have been just living and breathing this whole mythos for a month.
What do I do with myself now?
And the worst part is that I'm still probably going to keep having awkward and uncomfortable dreams even though it's all done. Guh,
I'm never going to get the chance to really explore what about this made me tick, either. Nobody wants to stay with me for hours and talk.
And there's just so *much* to say. I can't possibly express all of my feels.
I. Have to go to school tomorrow.
(This is discounting all of my passive-aggressive tsundere tweets from two weeks ago, which just make me sad to reread. ;^;)
Other thoughts:
I know how at the end of the other Commedia I had a whole thing about Never again. Never again to hear the snap crackle pop of our collective rice krispies was the final line of that spiel.
And, I can't do that again. I can't do something like that. Because every time I want to start, I get overwhelmed instantly. And I don't have people willing or capable enough to help me work through my shit in an organized manner. And that's a bad thing.
I feel really really deadinside angsty sad. I think I need sleep, but I would just sit up thinking and crying and thinking if I tried to go to bed.
I really REALLY want to go do some research to stave off the feels, but I dunno where to start. Cry.
It hurts. I was really attached to this play. I remember first reading parts of it and hearing about it a year ago and being really fucking excited. I remember hearing about the festival lineup and thinking it would be the sole redeeming play. I remember how fucking excited I was for auditions, and how impossibly freaking-out glad I was when I was told I was cast.
I've spent the past month worrying, dreaming, and doing copious amounts of starry-eyed research.
It hurts to let go of it. It pushed all of my buttons and I don't WANT to let go.
Also there's no closure and I didn't say goodbye to anyone. And some things are irreversible- like one of the studio minicelebs and I are no longer friends, I believe.
Because he's a touchy hypocrite who was on his manperiod and delt with his stress by singling me out to bitch out. I'd been forwarned that he's a raging drama queen when he's tense, but the sheer levels of 'oh it's like THAT is it' just. All over. I don't even. It's not my problem, I'm not dealing with it.
I did. I don't even know HOW, I feel as if I did very little, but I was pulled aside by friends and strangers and idols after every show and told how amazing I was.
It was an amazing play, I'm deeply in love with it and the experience and privilage of working on it for a REASON.
Crazy shit. All over. Ugh.
I want to stuff my binder under my pillow and sleep with it,
even though I know I promised myself I'd use it for class when the show let out. I don't think I could, now- it would feel disrespectful, and it would just keep bringing the feels back, and I don't have anywhere else to keep 85 looseleaf pages besides!
All the songs are going through my head. Hell, LINES are going through my head, *naturally* only because I can no longer make use of that!
I want to reread the tv tropes commedia page. Hell, I want to reread the dissertation! ;A; That hellish, hellish, awesome, crazy paper. I want to reread everything. I want to reread all of the wikipedia pages. I want to read all of the things. I feel all of the hurt.
Holy shit.
I can't look at gay subtext without this play coming up in my thoughts. FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE I AM SO FUCKING SCREWED.
If I can't look at gay subtext, my life means nothing. ;A;
I think that Sara was wrong when she said that I'm over-obsessing again. I mean, I'm pretty familiar with that feeling, and it's not like that. It's not like I do this every time a play I'm in finishes. :\
I just REALLY wanted to be in this one!... and then I was. And I'm not anymore and it's over and I am no longer in it because it finished. DUN WANNA BREAK TIES ;A;